Time to let go.

Back in the early 90’s, I was in my late 20’s, employed,  when my parents first broached the subject of marriage to me, I was shocked and brushed it aside. I was fine and was scared that marriage would alter my life drastically in some way. Slowly this became the topic of every other discussion at home. Every time my parents came back after attending a wedding the pressure would build up and eventually in 1993, I did get married.   

If you belong to a middle-class south Indian family, then you would have in all probability gone through an experience similar to what I have just described. While life did change after matrimony, I did manage to retain most of my bachelor life style, primarily because my wife was doing her MD and was away from home and I had moved to a different continent.

As the years passed the life I led, barely changed until one fine day when my daughter was born. I remember seeing her in my wife’s arms and that is when it struck me like a bolt from the blue. Along with the delight and happiness, an eerie sense of responsibility  for a life we had brought into this world.

I realised soon enough that when you have a child, life does a somersault and everything changes. You are no longer the most important person in your house, even in your in law’s house.  Everything seems to revolve around the child. You are almost relegated to second class citizen status. From that day onwards till date it has not changed.

There are types of people who are the worrying type and then there are people like me who take worrying to an all new level. On an off day, when I had nothing specific to worry about, I would worry that I had nothing to worry about. So, the responsibility of parenthood did sit heavily on my shoulders.

From watching over her anxiously, when she suffered from a bout of Malaria, to having a panic attack when we missed her for a moment in the crowd in Tirupathi, there were no dearth of moments to worry. However the better half’s grouse, justified I suppose in a way, was that, I did little, other than worry and that did not help her a wee bit in dealing with the situation. Well, let us not go down that road,  for that is a story for another day.

Well there were moments to revel as well, When, she won a prize on the podium for a debate, or when she performed a Bharatanatyam dance in her college function, my heart swelled with pride. I remember thinking in my earlier days, prior to my marriage, when I witnessed such situations, where parents revelled in their ward’s achievements, that their happiness was in many ways incommensurate with the actual achievement. However, here I was, probably, ten times more delighted and proud.

Yet, I soon realised, that what you dreamt of when you had children and what actually transpires were two different things.  I thought that I had everything planned,when I left my job abroad and returned, when my daughter was about 8 years old. However, like most others, I got caught in the rat race, which was probably a bit more severe in my case, as I was re-establishing myself professionally in India. Those were the days when my daughter used to cling on to me whenever possible and absolutely dote on every word I said. However just a few years later when I had more time on my hand and wished to spend it with her, she had by then grown up. That is the saddest part of having children – one day they grow up –you wake up the morning and suddenly realize that there is a stranger in the house , It is like someone flipped a switch – they have gone directly from yes Appa I will do it, to  a standard answer they have for everything ie No Appa, you do not know anything!  If I persist –No Appa!  things have all changed now a days, your times were so long ago. Now whatever I say the opposite is the way to go. Suddenly, friends have become more valued advisers than parents. Those were difficult days. I always used to pride myself of being able to relate to the younger generation and was always considered a cool dude by my friend’s children. However, when it came to my own child things were proving to be quite difficult.

It was then, that I realized the truth, in what my father had told me several decades back, when I was a teenager and probably giving him heartaches. I was arguing with him saying that I was a grown adult now and he should stop treating me like a kid. Now, those of you who had known my Dad would realize, that he was not a person to argue with. He was a man of the old school of parenting. With him in most cases it was “ My way or the highway”. However on that day he looked at me with a grimace and said “ you will not understand now. Only when you have a kid of your own, then you will realize.

As children grow up, they have a life of their own , their own likes and dislikes, most often at variance with ours. They want to make the major decisions of their lives, on their own. Generation gap – Lord!! do I understand the meaning of that word now! Their priority in life is so different, and like most parents from my era I am conservative,  a bird in the hand is worth ten in the bush types , granted, that this is a bit over the top , surely my views are not so out dated and irrelevant in todays world. All that I want is, for my child to have the perfect life – the happily ever after types – you cannot grudge me that as a parent.

However, as I look back on my own life and remember how outlandish my father’s views seemed to me at that time, I suppose she has to grow up on her own, make her own decisions and live by them. I have probably been guilty ,like many parents, of trying to live my life through hers and that is a pathway to avoid.

  I sometimes yearn for my daughter of 8 years! Why do kids have to grow up and why so fast? I have done my bit and it is now Time to let go. Trust me -  Easier said than done.